It’s like a slow, rumbling roar, isn’t it?
When you’ve just learned that something good in your life is gone (like that last little shred of hope you’d been clinging to), you sense the stun like a heavyweight champion’s blow to the jaw. Then, of course, you stay dazed for a bit while you try to examine the hurricane that’s just devastated your life.
Once you’ve finally realized the realness of the loss – it wasn’t a nightmare or some weird reaction to that gluten you had last night – the intense pain begins. And you cry, and you scream, and you throw shit (or is that just me?).
You walk around wondering how the hell the world is still spinning and people are being normal when you’ve just experienced this significant trauma.
The thing is, we are a weird culture when it comes to heartbreak. For some reason we are told to “think positive.” We’re told that it’s not okay to be “down in the dumps about it.” We’re told that obviously something better is coming along, so just be patient and stop being so sad all the time.
People are really uncomfortable with our discomfort. Therefore, our pain gets undervalued.
They don’t know what to say. They don’t know what to do with the slobbery, incoherent puddle of tears you’ve just become.
So they say stupid stuff.
It’s not their fault.
And it’s not yours either.
Once in a while, you’ll get a gem of a friend or family member who knows exactly what to say. I’ve been so lucky of late with a couple of close friends. Big shout out to you, ladies.
Especially when dealing with infertility, the majority of people simply have no idea what to say.
So, what do you do?
The next several suggestions I have boil down to one thing: Feel all the feels! Just feel them. The more you attempt to escape them, the more they will follow you, taunt you, and twist your arm until you are forced to look them square in the face and deal with their nastiness.
Here are five things you can do to help you move through heartbreak. I recently had a refresher course on this myself, so I know these work.
1. Talk to someone you trust.
Become a snotty, blubbering mess in front of them; Let them know all of your fears and worries and then let them hold your hand or stroke your hair (or give you a virtual hug, if they can’t be physically present). Vulnerability is awesome. If you don’t believe me, here’s some research to prove it.
2. Journal like crazy.
In your journal include entries on the following: a) What happened? b) What do you want to say to the people involved? c) What are your fears and worries? d) Describe your feelings right now. e) What are your hopes for the future (if you feel no hope, write that down)? f) If you’ve lost a loved one, what would you like them to know?
3) Get thee to nature.
That’s like a commandment. I don’t care if you live in New York City and have to borrow a friend’s teeny terrace and potted plant, get somewhere where there is green and sit there. Even if you claim you hate nature. There’s something extremely healing and transformative about the presence of trees, plants, even bugs; It doesn’t make the pain disappear, but it gives you a sense of timelessness and much more of an ability to stay present rather than lament the past or worry about the future. And those negativities are the last things you need right now.
4) Get physical.
When I’m in a great deal of emotional pain, I need gentle exercise. Others need intense exercise. Whatever type of movement you choose to do, just do it. The movement helps with feelings of stagnation; the sweat helps release toxins that have built up due to intense stress. BONUS: Kill two birds with one stone by going on a hike.
5) Practice radical self-compassion.
You’re allowed your feelings, you’re allowed to let your soul break open, you’re allowed to cry about it, you’re allowed to be numb, you’re allowed to be irritable, you’re allowed…you’re allowed….you’re allowed. Please resist the urge to beat yourself up for any behaviors you might see as bad. You’re wounded right now; just let it be so.
If your heart is currently breaking, I’m sending love and virtual hugs to you. And if you feel like you’ve got nobody to be a snotty, blubbering mess with, sometimes a stranger works just fine. Shoot me an email: dr.maria@thinkfertilitycounseling.com. Absolutely no strings attached. I’m here.
May peace be around the cornerl,
P.S. The Mindful Fertility Workshop is moving to a paid format very soon, so if you haven’t picked it up yet, go do it while it’s still free!
[EDIT: I’m sorry this course isn’t available for free anymore. 🙁 It’ll be available for a super reasonable fee in the near future, though. Hang tight!]
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