Father’s Day: Three Tips for Handling it Well When Dealing with Infertility

T wasn’t as loud with his holiday groans as I was when we struggled with infertility.  I, therefore, unwisely assumed (you know what assuming does, right?) that he didn’t feel as upset come Father’s Day when he wasn’t yet a father.  A few years into the mix, though, and it became more apparent that he, too, suffered greatly.

A giant holiday was upon him, reminding him that he couldn’t yet own it.  And it hurt.

With Father’s Day around the corner this weekend, I know there are many men suffering just as T did with relatively little support compared to the offerings for women.  Over the years, I’ve compiled a healthy list of coping strategies for dealing with infertility around holidays.  Today I’d like to offer the top three things you can do for the man in your life who is working alongside you in the daily grind of achieving parenthood.

1. Don’t Assume

So, obviously take a hint from me and realize that just because he isn’t saying anything does not mean he isn’t feeling something.  Several things could be going on here:

• Traditionally, showing feelings is seen as a weakness

I truly hope this silliness is losing steam in our culture.  Guys, saying your feelings is kind of attractive – I’ll just start there.  It goes deeper than that surface stuff, however.  If you are a man struggling with saying what’s inside, ask yourself if getting a little vulnerable would be worth it, if it would mean improved connection with your partner and/or getting some shit off your chest.  If your male partner is struggling, give him space (literally and figuratively), and continue to offer up your ears.  Check in regularly (almost to the brink of his annoyance, but not quite).

• He could be trying to protect you.

Okay, this is THE BIGGEST issue I see with couples.  Men are stuck in a pretty bad space when dealing with infertility, because their partner is likely very emotive, despairing, grieving, and on the brink of insanity in most moments.  Men generally see letting loose their own emotions as more of a burden on their partners.  So, they just keep it buttoned up.  Or they engage in other not-so-healthy behaviors (drinking, drugs, spending money, etc.).  Guys, I get you’re attempting to protect your partner, and that is noble.  The struggle is, it actually serves to isolate your partner and make her think this isn’t hard for you (speaking from personal and professional experience here).  So, she feels more alone.  It sucks.  So, saying your negative feelings about infertility and Father’s Day actually may help your partner feel more connected and less alone in this whole shitty process.

• He doesn’t know how to talk about it.

Things I hear a lot: “What’s there to say about it?  It sucks, but it is what it is.”  “There’s nothing I can do to fix it, so why talk about it?  “I don’t know…I know she’s sad, but how does talking help?”  Men have a tendency to want to fix things, and when they are stymied by things like infertility, they really become perplexed about how to talk about it.  If the conversation isn’t about how to fix it, what’s the point?  So, one way I ask folks to engage in conversation is to talk about the dads they know – their own dads, brothers, friends, cousins, that guy he saw in the bagel shop a year ago (this happened to my husband, so…); it doesn’t really matter who.  And talk about what they’d like to emulate someday.  This typically gets some emotional juices flowing.

• He just wants to fix it and be over it  (see above).

Absolutely every single time before you begin a conversation, remind your partner that this isn’t a conversation about fixing anything.  Not a single thing.  And really stick to that!  Do not make this conversation about planning for next steps.  Instead, you are dream building.  Perhaps you are lamenting things you do not yet have.  Perhaps you are talking about what kind of dad he will be, but the second that the conversation starts to go to next plans, it is time to derail that conversation.  Stat.

2. Plan Some Fun

T and I are whacked out dog owners.  I mean, like our dogs are treated almost precisely like our human kids.  I recently felt bad that our dog, Jake, was sleeping on the carpet, so I fetched (see what I did there?) him a nice, comfy blanket and began to tuck him in like a human friggin’ kid.  Snug as a bug in a rug.

I stopped myself before reading a bedtime story.  Thankfully.

The point is.  We are nuts for our dogs.  So every Father’s Day, I made no bones (seriously somebody stop me) about getting T cards from the dogs.  One year, I even dipped their little pads in ink (non-toxic, of course) and “signed” the card.  He used to love to see what was in those envelopes in the morning.  I would also get him a little gift, typically not related to Father’s Day.  THEN, we were intentional about planning something fun to do.  Hiking, biking, road trip, BBQ at home with boys (dogs)?  It didn’t matter what we did nearly as much as the fact that we had a plan and were intentional about doing something.

Obviously, some guys want to celebrate their own fathers too, right?  I still suggest carving out some time just for the two of you to do something distracting, smile-evoking, peaceful, and mostly fun.

3. Whatever You Do, Honor Him

If you know your guy would not want cards from your dogs or a gift of some kind, that is of course 100% okay!  I recommend still honoring him in some way.  Even if it’s a post-it note on a bottle of beer saying, “Hey, I know this day is hard for you just like Mother’s Day is hard for me.  Thinking of you, as always.”  Simply acknowledging the difficulty of the day and playing to his queues is perfectly reasonable.  This honors him and his process.

Most of all, it brings to light the very real pain he is likely feeling.

Wherever you are in this journey, may you find some peace this weekend.  Know that there are people all over the world communing with you, feeling your pain, and feeling your hope.  T and I are two of them.

Until next time, be well,