Do I Need a Counselor or a Coach?

One of the biggest questions I get from around the world is “What is the difference between Fertility Counseling and Fertility Coaching?”  So, I’m going to answer that for you today!

First, a super important point to note is that coaching and counseling can be quite similar, so it is easy to get confused and not know what one does over the other.  Hang tight, because I’m about to offer some serious clarity.  Second thing to know is that when I talk about counseling/therapy for the purposes of this article, I am speaking specifically about emotional and mental health (not physical therapy, etc.).  Third, I often interchange the words counselor and therapist.  There are nuanced differences, but beyond the scope of this article.  For today’s purpose, they are one and the same. 

Things you’ll understand from reading this article:

• How are coaching and counseling similar?
• How are coaching and counseling different?
• How do I know which one to choose?

Things that are similar

The first thing that coaches and counselors share are the fact that they can be quite diverse and specialized.  When I first started doing therapy, I did not know that I would have a speciality in fertility.  I had no idea there was even such a thing until I looked for a fertility therapist myself (and took three friggin’ tries to find one!).  There are therapists that specialize in all kinds of things: Trauma, children, couples, bariatric, bipolar disorder, serious persistent mental illness, attachment, adoption, and so many more.  There are also various types of credentials.  Here are just a few of them:

• Psychiatrist (medication focused)
• Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner (counseling and medication)
• Licensed Clinical Social Worker (family systems, community resources, etc.)
• Licensed Professional Counselor (developmental theory, individual wellness, etc.)
• Psychologist (testing for disorders, personality, etc.)

Now, these are only a few of the titles folks have for delivering mental health services, AND they often overlap in the services they provide.  Most important to note here is that you find the right fit for you.  A former client once called me and said she was “shrink-shopping.”   Lol!  Nobody calls us shrinks anymore, but what the hell – don’t be afraid to “shop” by calling up and interviewing people before paying to see them. Here are a few types of coaches you can hire:

• Fitness Coach
• Life Coach
• Business Coach
• Executive Coach
• Leadership Coach
• Career Coach
• Financial Coach
• Health Coach
• Spiritual Coach
• Fertility Coach

The Universal Coach Institute lists a whole lot more types of coaches out there (each with their own certification).  Again, the most important note here is that you find a coach that meets your needs and with whom you resonate.  Nothing like paying someone to help you that is not a good fit personality-wise or otherwise.  No bueno.

Okay, so how else are counseling and coaching similar?  Both therapists and coaches have shared goals with clients, with clients being the absolute main focus of the relationship. The relationship is built on trust, rapport, and ultimate respect for the client’s goals.  Both coaches and counselors tend to believe that client’s have an innate knowing of how to move forward in their accomplishments and are seeking guidance along the way (even if the client doesn’t already know it consciously).

Perhaps the most important truth in the similarities between coaches and counselors is that both practice within their specific scope.  That is, a therapist who has no training in trauma or a coach who knows nothing about growing wealth will refer clients to colleagues who have that specialty.  This means both coaches and counselors are incredibly ethical!

There is no whats-in-it-for-me thinking.  Period.  It is ALWAYS about what best serves the client.

Sometimes the best way to serve a client is referring them to someone whom you know can serve them better than you.  For example, I have often had folks call and ask about my coaching services when they really need a therapist.  I do not hesitate to recommend therapy, if that is what is needed.  If you find yourself in a situation where you feel you are working with someone who is egregiously unethical, find another person, stat.  If you are working with a certified coach or a licensed counselor, you also have the option of finding their particular governing board and filing a formal complaint, if that resonates with you.

My two cents:  I’ve personally made plenty of mistakes in my own practice, and I’ve found it to be much more helpful to receive constructive criticism directly from clients.  Outside of egregious errors, please consider sending your therapist/coach some feedback they can use to fine-tune how they work.  

Things that are different

Okay, so we’ve come to the part where we talk about what the differences are between therapists and coach.  Because I love it so much and couldn’t have written it better myself, I took the following directly from Bill Cole over at Mental Game Coach (Copyright © Bill Cole, MS, MA):

COACHING is an educational, discovery-based process of human potential. 

THERAPY is based on the medical model that says people have psychiatric maladies that need to be repaired.

COACHING focuses on self-exploration, self-knowledge, professional development, performance enhancement and better self-management. 

THERAPY seeks to heal emotional wounds.

COACHING takes clients to the highest levels of performance and life satisfaction. 

THERAPY seeks to bring clients from a dysfunctional place to a healthy functioning level.

COACHING rarely asks about your childhood or family life. 

THERAPY continuously explores early-childhood, family and relationship issues.

COACHING uses the terms blockages and obstructions to denote what needs to be removed. 

THERAPY uses the term “pathology” to describe the “patient’s” issues.

COACHING focuses more on the present and future. 

THERAPY focuses more on the past and present.

COACHING advances the client’s potential. 

THERAPY “cures” the patient.

COACHING is used by people who already are succeeding, but who want to succeed even more and at a faster rate. 

THERAPY is used by people whose lives are not working.

COACHING focuses more on thoughts and behavior and how the client acts and thinks about things. 

THERAPY focuses more on emotions and how the client feels about things.

COACHING comes out of the human potential movement and the performance world. 

THERAPY has its roots in the medical model.

COACHING focuses on solving problems in the now. 

THERAPY explores the historical roots of problems.

COACHING works with the client’s conscious mind. 

THERAPY focuses on bringing the patient’s unconscious mind into awareness.

COACHING focuses on creating the future. 

THERAPY seeks to heal the past.

COACHING seeks to bring more power, control and joy to the client. 

THERAPY seeks to remove the client’s pain.

COACHING assumes a co-equal partnership between coach and client. 

THERAPY assumes the therapist to be more of the expert, and in control.

COACHING has strategies and objectives. 

THERAPY has a treatment plan.

COACHING asks “What is next?” 

THERAPY asks “Why”?

COACHING helps clients design their lives. 

THERAPY resolves issues.

COACHING takes an active, energetic approach. 

THERAPY takes a more passive, reflective, background approach.

COACHING focuses on what is possible. 

THERAPY focuses on what is the problem.

COACHING is goal-oriented, solution-focused and results and action-oriented. 

THERAPY mainly seeks to increase patient insight, yet some therapists are solution-focused.

COACHING may also utilize feedback from bosses, peers and subordinates. 

THERAPY usually involves only the patient and therapist (unless family systems or couples work)

COACHING takes the client from where they are and helps them move forward. 

THERAPY examines unfinished emotional business from all stages of life.

It’s good right?  I think these differences offer some serious clarity (Thanks, Bill!).  I would also add, in general, a coach has much more of a partnership feel, while relationship with a counselor/therapist feels more like doctor-patient.  A therapist diagnoses a condition to heal; coaches do not diagnose or treat anything. 

Lastly, there’s a little fine-tuning when speaking specifically about infertility.  Here’s a little background:  In the midst of infertility, I had an awakening of sorts.  I began to see the world in a completely different light and, through my own research, realized I had experienced Posttraumatic Growth.

Thus, how I personally talk about coaching versus counseling is that counseling helps people heal from infertility, whereas coaching helps people grow from infertility.

Both approaches are equally useful and can be profoundly life-changing.  I am a big proponent of both.  

How do I know which service I need?

Okay, so this is an important message to say here:  You can most certainly do both at the same time, depending on your individual needs.  Talk to the professionals – they can help you determine if you can do both.   One caveat:  You should not see the same person for both approaches.  Here are some general guidelines:

• If you are having a very difficult time functioning on a daily basis (i.e. it’s hard to get up, get dressed, etc.), you likely need a therapist.
• If you have a history of a mental health disorder (depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder), you may need a therapist
• If you are having flashbacks, nightmares, experiencing hypervigilance, and avoiding infertility triggers like the plague (all to a debilitating degree), you may benefit from therapy
• If you are generally functioning okay, and you are not sure how to move forward with improving fertility or your mindset around fertility, a fertility coach may be beneficial.
• If you want to know how you can simultaneously honor the pain of infertility while placing value and meaning on all of its lessons, both coaching and therapy can be beneficial.
• If you are solution-focused, self-motivated, and want an accountability partner, coaching is likely for you.

I am hoping this article was helpful in your journey to finding the person you need to help you more forward in your journey.  Should you still need some clarity, feel free to drop me a line and ask away!

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